Quest for the perfect seat

Around Town • AMY ROSEN
I enjoy going to shows. Whether it is a Broadway show, community theater, a concert, or a school production, it is always nice to look forward to being entertained.

As the day of the event approaches, my anticipation of a pleasant experience increases. We try to arrive early and settle in while checking out the view. I am usually pleased until the person sitting in front of me arrives. I watch as the people juggle for position, secretly hoping the smallest one sits in front of me. But, without fail, the biggest one plops himself down directly in front of me.

It recently happened again at a Broadway production of "West Side Story." The man in front of me had the hugest head I have ever seen, with no neck. Even though I had the aisle seat, I could not see without leaning all the way over to one side. The man also had the thickest arms and itchiest head I have ever seen. I know this because every time he raised his arm to scratch his head, which was too often for me, my entire view of the stage was obliterated.

My audience experiences have ranged from silly to bizarre to downright nauseating over the years. For instance, I am sure we have all experienced the people at rock concerts who believe they are the biggest fans of the group and therefore everyone behind them would rather watch them stand up in front of them and sing along (out of tune) while dancing, instead of seeing the actual performers that they paid to see.

That happened at the last America concert we went to. I mean it was America — nice mellow "hippy music" — as my youngest son, the classic rock aficionado, called it. Who would expect to have an unruly audience member at a mellow concert, but of course there was one, and of course she sat in front of us.

Even her husband kept telling her to sit down, but until she was pelted by ice chips from people who had had enough, she ignored him.

Then there was the inappropriately loud laugher at the Broadway production of "In the Heights" last year. This woman laughed much too loud and long during scenes that merely called for a chuckle.

Several years ago we took the family to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in Atlantic City and found we were sitting behind the "band leaders." The bizzaro couple in front of us actually conducted the orchestra throughout the entire show.

They pointed left, they pointed right, they waved their arms and directed the entire orchestra. I don't know what the Trans-Siberian Orchestra members would have done without these people sitting in the darkness directing all of the songs.

They sat and led the band, and they stood and led the band until the people around them started pelting them with popcorn. It was actually quite entertaining, but not what we had envisioned when planning our evening.

For my 25th wedding anniversary my sister and brother-in-law bought my husband and I tickets to see the Fab Faux, a Beatles tribute band, at the State Theatre in New Brunswick. The seats were really great and the view was perfect. I had no problems, but my husband was sitting next to a self-proclaimedmusic critic-narrator-singer who was driving him insane. So who do you think had to hear him grumbling about it? Me!

The man advised the Fab Faux (who, incidentally, were truly fabulous) about what songs they should sing. He even yelled suggestions across the theater and gave the history of all the songs performed whenever possible. Putting it bluntly, he just would not shut up. Very annoying!

Then there are the sleepers. At least they don't make much noise, unless they start snoring, but it can be annoying when they are out cold and end up leaning on you. This happened to my son at a Rush concert. Yes, at a loud, guitar wailing, high-pitched singing band with gigantic speakers that make your ears ring for a week, someone actually slept. I guess that is what drinking too much beer at a concert will do. I hope that guy thought it was worth the $90 ticket price to nap through the show.

Speaking of drinking too much beer at a concert — the worst thing, by far, that ever happened to me was at a concert I had been waiting my whole life to see. Billy Joel and Elton John shared the stage for the first time at Giants Stadium about 15 years ago in their Face 2 Face concert tour. I was so excited. They are two of my all-time favorite singersongwriters.

We found our seats and said hello to our cousins who were sitting right next to us. The seats were not bad and I was pleased. Just as Elton John was starting his performance, someone who had too much beer leaned over the overhang from the seats above us and barfed on the people below — yes, yours truly. Actually, my cousin, who has thick, curly hair absorbed most of it, but it splashed off him onto the people sitting on either side of him — his wife, who, lucky for her, was wearing a hat, and me.

Needless to say, we missed most of Elton's performance because we were in the bathroom trying to clean ourselves off. I was so upset after that, I couldn't enjoy the rest of the show. I was told that the mad barfer was escorted out of the stadium, but it still ruined my good time.

I have tried, but I have not been able to get tickets for subsequent Billy Joel/Elton John concert tours since then, but I did get to see a pretty good Billy Joel tribute band called The Stranger at a free concert in Freehold Borough recently.

Even there, a man stood up right in front of us to stretch his legs and later to put his chair away, without any concern for the people directly behind him. (At least at that concert I could pick up my chair and move it if I so desired.)

Just my luck — out of all the people in all the theaters I have been to, I have been lucky enough to sit near the weirdos; and in Giants Stadium, I got to be in the vomit zone. I couldn't be lucky enough to have something good happen like getting upgraded to front row seats? And so it goes, and so it goes. Don't ask me why.

Amy Rosen is a staff writer with Greater Media Newspapers.